Everyone’s scared of something; spiders, popsicle sticks, heartaches, whatever. If there’s anything that I know most people are scared of is eventually ending up alone. I find that many people who end up jaded about relationships have normally come from relationships that somehow messed them up. It makes me sad to see how much potential someone has but yet they shy away because of a previous relationship. Maybe I’m naive and I choose to believe the better good in people by listening and accepting what they have to say in my face but not being able to handle the things that they say behind my back. Many people that I know dance on a fine line between, “is what he/she saying to me really true or is what he/she saying to others the truth?” It’s very difficult when you’re the one that’s stuck in the situation. Sure, your friends could give you their opinions about whether or not you should still be with someone but in the end you’re the one who has to make the decision.
For the most part, friends will say things because they love and care about you but they fail to see the bigger picture; they’re not the ones involved emotionally and they don’t call the shots.
It really sucks to be on the receiving end of someone who’s not willing to “give themselves up” for you when all you do is give yourself up for them and hoping that one day they’ll return the favor. We’ve all heard the saying, “it’s not you, it’s me.” This can be interpreted a couple of ways and the most obvious one being that they just don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you that there’s just something about you that they hate or there’s a more specific reason why they don’t want to be with you but they don’t want to disclose it. The other one is that it really is them. Maybe they do want to be with you still but they’re not in the right state of mind to give it 110%. But the questions that bother everyone who cares about the other too much is, “why not yet? Haven’t I proven enough of myself?” The problem for some people is that they gave up too much of themselves in a previous relationship and now they’re too scared to take down that wall and give themselves again because they’re afraid of getting hurt. They somehow find excuses or say things that don’t necessarily show who they really are because it’s their quick remedy to getting over things.
People need to stop fronting their feelings and just own up to who they really are because of the actions they take. If someone’s going to laugh at you or look down on you for being the kind of person you are, then who cares about what other people think unless what you’re fronting isn’t really fronting but yet real.
My feelings are laid out on the table, take them; they’re free.
“We’ll be friends forever” are the words of the naive. I once believed in friends forever until I grew up and found myself in a sea of people who were no where to be found when I needed them most. I don’t know about you but I’ve found myself less tolerant of bullshit like I used to be. The petty drama, he-said, she-said nonsense, liars, and fake people are big no-no’s in my life.
Ever since I moved out I saw an instant change in my attitude; not much anger but more acceptance. Accepting that there are some people that just aren’t meant to be in your life forever. Enjoy the ride while you can because once it’s meant to be gone it will be. But who’s to say that one can’t change the course? If someone really meant a lot to you wouldn’t you fight for them? Friends or lovers there’s a level of honesty, integrity, and loyalty that, I believe, one should have.
In the course of the past 6 months I’ve discovered many liars & cowards in my life. The ones who aren’t upfront and think that they’re sneaky (not realizing that when I want to know something, I will find out). The ones who claim that they’re your friends but only to sell you out in the end for their own benefit. The one that tells you that they love you like family and that the two of you will always be good friends only to back down and be a coward when you need them the most.
I’m done with the fakes, cowards, & liars. If you find yourself deleted from my life there’s a reason behind it. I don’t make friends for solely marketing/networking purposes; I make friends to have good friends that I can count on and vice-versa. If at the end of the day I find myself alone because no one can provide the type of friendship that I need then so be it. If you have been deleted from my life then it’s probably because you don’t make an effort to be in it. One can turn that around on me and say that I don’t make the effort to be in their life so why should they do it for me? You could be right but I’m damn sure that I did and you didn’t reciprocate.
To those who are still around, I love you.
Has it ever crossed your mind that one day you might end up alone? When I first decided to move out I considered a few different options; renting out from someone else’ home, getting a roommate, living alone, etc. Over a short period of time I decided that I was going to live alone instead because I’m coming from a house that inhabits 6 people (it was 9 at one point). Now that it’s official that I will be moving out the thought has been crossing my mind more frequently now. Friends who are living out there currently may not be living there anymore when I finally move out (graduating and moving home, etc.)
Taryn tells me that I’m pretty social so there’s no reason that I wouldn’t make friends quickly when I start school out there. Part of me feels like she’s got a point but at the same time I’m kinda scared of having to start all over. While I’m here now I keep going to Irvine because a lot of my friends are there but I can’t start coming to Long Beach all the time when I move out there. I started a new job and school is gonna be tough from here on too because I’ll be at work til 5 and heading straight to school afterward. I’ll be exhausted by the time I get home. Maybe some nights I’ll be okay with coming home and not having anyone to answer to but I’m afraid that I’ll get to a point where I’ll start feeling lonely and not know what to do.
I’ve decided to change my major from Biological Sciences to Business Administration. I’ve always felt like I can’t get anywhere with a bio degree (aside from working as a biologist or in a lab or both). Main reason is because one doesn’t need a bio degree to take the MCAT nor to join the fire academy and go into para-medicine after. I have a friend who has a sister who graduated with a Bio degree and she’s working in a CVS right now as a pharmacy tech; what’s the point of that?! I’ve been trying to figure out for the longest time, what major I should switch to and I’ve finally decided on business because I can actually do something useful with that degree. I feel like getting a degree in Business Administration will open doors for me in the “office world” like I’m currently doing right now and since I have my EMT certification and I work part-time on call as an EMT also, I have my foot in the door for emergency medicine too so in the end it’s a win-win situation. Does anyone have any input to give me?
Living in the American culture our lives are usually pre-mapped out (going to school K-12, getting your diploma, going to the CSU/UC system, dorming your first year of college, learning to be independent, all the good stuff). These are the normal things that most of us go through, if not try to. Along the way we either pick up bad things or good things, that all depends on us.
I’ve always liked to believe that I’m an independent person (go to school, pay my bills, do my thang, etc.) but I recently realized that I’m not as independent as I thought I am or have been. I’ve lived at home all my life. I don’t know what it’s like to have to pay rent on-time every month, go on a trip and come home when I want to, not have to answer to anyone but myself, or hang out with friends past 10 and not have someone call me 20 times asking me why I’m not home yet.
For the longest time I’ve tried to do everything I can to make my home into a place where I’d have peace and quiet to do homework but now I feel like I can’t handle it any longer. When my house only housed six of us there wasn’t much noise going around but now that there’s nine of us my home has turned into a jungle. I can’t get any work done around the house, I always hear children screaming, crying, or adults screaming at the kids. There is no common courtesy around the house. It’s 6AM and there are people screaming at each other.
Just recently I decided that I need to do what’s best for me and that is to transfer, move out, and grow up. A simple conversation with my parents turned into a complete nightmare. I’ve been told many times that there is no logic to an argument made by parents so there’s no use in trying to understand why they function the way they do, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not hurt by the things they say the moment they say it. My brother called me the other day to tell me that he spoke to my parents and that they’re willing to let me move out but even til today, they haven’t spoken to me. I don’t know what else they want. Come summer, I’m leaving whether they’re willing to accept it or not so why not take the chance now to make what they have left until that time? I’m not saying that I won’t be coming home ever again but I’ll be taking up a different job and there’s no way that I’ll be able to make it home every week.
I understand that they’re not willing to accept that I’m growing up but I can’t help but feel a little hurt by it all. It’s been bothering me for days even though I don’t talk about it too much anymore. I keep crying on and off and it’s been affecting my mood for days but this is just the first step to growing up right? Please tell me it is.
For the past two nights I’ve found myself up all night writing. I started off with a page in my journal (who does that anymore?), then wrote that long ass blog, and finally ended up writing down a bunch of feelings on a sticky note on my desktop. I’m going to somehow turn the collection of emotions into a song, hopefully.
I spent all day today writing down more things that I felt and played the piano for most of the day too (something I haven’t done in quite some time) only to shut off my computer without saving the file FML. Anyway, I now have a collection of thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have yet to figure out how to rearrange. Contrary to last night’s blog I know that I should be happy with what I’ve got and just take things day-by-day.
I feel like the both of us are scared about potentially the same things (in which encompasses scars from previous relationships and how we’ve adapted to life as of now). But hey, at least we’re both on the same page (Chap. 4, Pg. 52, Sect. 3: Previous Relationships Suck so be Scared of the Next One).
Bottom line is: things are going well the way that they are so why question it? We shouldn’t think too hard about things that are going well because we may end up making assumptions that aren’t happening but because of those assumptions that we make we might turn them into a reality which may not work out in our favor. Someone told me the other night that he doesn’t believe in fate. He believes that we are the ones who write our destiny. So let’s write this!
Call me cynical but I have my doubts as do many of us. Maybe it’s because things don’t normally work out in my best interest, therefore causing me to have these doubts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I want things to fail in any way, I’m just saying that things have been up & down lately.
I can’t say that things have been perfect but life has treated me better in the past two months than it has in the past three years. In the course of the past three years I’ve been to three funerals (two occurred in the same year), have had more than three failed dating relationships, friends who come and go as they please, and an endless supply of unnecessary drama from family.
But now that things are finally starting to go well I’m starting to feel uneasy. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten so used to the feeling of things going wrong that I don’t remember what it’s like to have a normal life with things going right. Okay, maybe that was a bit exaggerated. There are things that have been going well, like the music classes that I’ve been taking at school. But with that aside, let’s talk about dating for a second.
The beginning stages of dating should be exciting and somewhat blissful right? So why am I so scared? I find myself doubting every piece of this whenever I sit down and actually think about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy and I don’t think I’ve been this happy in quite some time but at the same time, I’m scared. This sounds wrong in every way possible but I think that I’ve gotten used to being treated like crap from every guy that I’ve encountered (with the exception of my boys) that I don’t know what it’s like to be treated well anymore. Now that i am being treated well I don’t really know what to do and it frightens me a little. I think that to a certain extent I know that if I were to let my guard down in any way I feel like if anything bad happened it would hit me ten times worse than it ever has before.
I am totally scatter-brained right now. I have so much to say but my thoughts are all out of place. I think the source of my fear comes from the fact that I’ve had so many bad experiences with not enough good ones to balance it out. I want things to work out for the best but a big part of me is really scared and I don’t know when I’ll actually be ready. At the same time, if I don’t take a leap of faith then when will I ever be ready? I don’t really know what the point of this blog is but I just wanted to write out how I felt even though everything that I feel I have not fully expressed.
Dare I say that the bottom line is that this is an infatuation that I’m hoping will become more than just that. Matt just called me so, goodnight world.
so…I’ve realized that I’ve had this tumblr account for a little bit of time now so it might be a good idea to put something on it.
fin. just kidding.
so I guess this is a blogging site eh? I’ve had so many other ones (i.e. blogspot, vox, xanga, etc.) what am I supposed to write on this thing really? am I supposed to write about my day? my life? am I supposed to get personal on here? Isn’t that what a diary is for? I think I like my diary better. who keeps diaries anymore?
here’s a start: this brings me happiness
sleep is good :)
